Embracing the brokenness

I recently finished an online Bible study hosted by Love God Greatly called Broken and Redeemed. Towards the end of that study my church's women's ministry started a study based on the book The Broken Way by Ann Voscamp. With this much focus on brokenness I began to pray and ask God what He is trying to teach me.

I don't have extraordinary brokenness in my life. No terrible trauma that has taken years and counseling to resolve. I have the ordinary kind of brokenness. The difficulties life brings because we live in a fallen world kind of brokenness. Nevertheless, I have persisted in this study of brokenness.

I deal with it everyday. For 17 years I have been nurse. People come to me expecting me to be a able to heal their physical brokenness or at least put a patch on it so they can go a few more miles down the road. I had seen people ignore their brokenness and deny it hoping it will go away. I have witnessed others attack their brokenness with all they have to give in an effort to fix it. As a mother my children are forever bringing me broken toys that need to be put back together or broken clothes for mending.

And yet I prayed .... But I'm not broken Lord...what is this all about?

 Then came the study of adultery...But Lord, surely this doesn't apply to me...I've never been unfaithful...

" Adulteresses! Don't you know that friendship with the world is hostility towards God? So whoever wants to be the world's friend becomes God's enemy" James 4:4

That verse struck me...hard. Although I have never been unfaithful to my husband there are many times I have been lured in by the shiny, sparkly things of this world. Now hear me out, I don't think it's sinful to have nice things. But when we become so caught up in having nice things and having  things the way we want them that those shiny, sparkly things become the focus of our lives, things are broken.

 I am broken.

Jesus knows broken. He embraces broken. He came to be broken for you and for me. His brokenness heals all of my broken places. If I will let Him.

The Golden Years of Parenting

I realized recently that we have entered what I will call the Golden Years of parenting. Our third (and last...do NOT ask me if/when we are having more the answer is NO!) child is FINALLY potty trained. This means that for the first time in 10 years  I am not buying diapers. (Do you hear angels singing? Because I think I might!) Our two older children are 9 and almost 7. This means they are independent. They can do chores and pick up around the house and give themselves a bath! Yesterday I even had them separate out their own Easter eggs and candy

It occurred to me that there is a very brief window between toddlerhood and teenagers that might be the best part of parenting. There are defiantly sweet things about little babies. The way they smell and snuggle their little heads right under your chin like it was created to go right there.  But there's something about older kids who sleep through the night...in their own beds nonetheless... that is oh so sweet as well.

I hear so many people lament the growing up of their babies.  And I'll admit I sat on the back porch and cried after doing school physicals for Jr high kids and realizing my daughter will be in that group in just one more years. But it's so magical to watch them grow! To watch them develop skills and understand more about the world around them is such a wonderful things.

Three years ago I had an infant, a 3 year old and a 7 year old. It seemed like someone was always crying (some days it was me!). Someone always needed something. Bath time took FOREVER.  I wasn't sure we would survive. But we did and it was worth it.

Maundy Thursday

Sixteen years ago I attended my first Maundy Thursday service at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. One of the classes I was taking that semester was Worship (I know, sounds easy...it wasn't). When Maundy Thursday rolled around that year I was living 500 miles from my family and going through a difficult time where I felt very alone. Maybe that's why that service affected so deeply. But to this day I remember that service.

Maundy Thursday is the Thursday before Easter. It was the day Jesus ate his last Passover meal with his disciples. It would only be a matter of hours before He was betrayed, arrested, beaten and hung to die. In this particular service the auditorium was dark. The music was somber. When we left that day we left in silence. Remembering the darkness and silence that extended from Jesus' death until His resurrection.

Maybe that service made such an impression on me because I was going through my own time of darkness when it felt as though God was silent on many issues. Have you ever been there? When you pray and you believe that God has a plan for it all but the silence and darkness is deafening and terrifying?

Every year I try to imagine what those disciples felt. What did they think? They believed in Jesus. He made so many promises but now He was dead. How was this going to turn out right? For 3 days they had silence and fear as companions.

So for me Maundy Thursday is a time of reflection on my own trust in Jesus. A reminder that the Son rose. And a reminder that God can work things out in ways I could never expect.

Why a nurse practitioner and why full practice authority.

In May of 2000, yes almost 17 years ago, I finished a 4 year degree in nursing. By some reports this is one of the most difficult degrees to obtain.  I would agree. When I finished my BSN I had no desire to get a higher degree in nursing. I worked as a bedside RN for 5 years before I decided to get a Master's degree in nursing. During that time I spent 36-48 hours each week doing hands on patient care.

In October 2005 I made the decision to further my nursing  education. My husband and I had moved from Fort Worth, TX to a small town in southeast OK. I was back to working night shift and we wanted to start a family. Night shift is not the best shift for a new family. So, I did some reasearch and started the Family Nurse Practitioner program through the University of Alabama at Birmingham in the spring of 2006. I was responsible for finding my own clinical sites. I quickly found there were not many nurse practitioners in my area. When I finished my program in May 2008 I had completed over 700 hours of clinical time with a physician or NP.  I still had to pass my boards. I spent 2 months review for this test and passed in July 2008. By this time I had been a RN for 8 years.

I took my first, and only, job as a Family Nurse Practitioner in September 2008. I have been doing this for over 8 years now.  I can truly say I love my job. Depending on the day I will see 15-28 patients in a day. These patients range in age from just days old to their 90's. I see patients for well checks, sick visits and management of chronic diseases. In December 2015 I obtained an additional certification in Advanced Diabetes Management through the AADE. I am covered by malpractice insurance through my employer. I also have to obtain continuing education hours every 2 years when my license renews.

Many people don't know what sets apart Nurse Practitioners from other health care professionals. We are governed by the Board of Nursing and have a nursing background. Some states have different rules regarding NPs. In the state of Oklahoma I am required to have a physician (MD or DO) sign my prescriptive authority. This physician is not required to be in the office with me. He/she does not have to review my charts or sign off on anything I do. They are not required to see my patients. I have my own patient load -many of whom request to see me when they call to make an appointment. I assess my patient, order and interpret tests and order medication. There are a few medications I cannot order- like ADHD meds and hydrocodone.

In Oklahoma, physicians are only allowed "supervise" two full time NPs at one time. In rural Oklahoma this becomes a problem and limits access to care. It took the clinic group I work with 3 years to recruit a physician to work in one of our clinics. At times they have to pay physicians to sign the supervision paperwork even though that physician does not work for our clinic group. This is money that could be used to give more services to our patients. Some NPs pay $500-1000 a month for a supervising physician. That's $6000-120000 a year.

What does full practice authority mean? It means NPs do not have to have a physician sign that paper. It does not change what I do every day. I still see patients, order and interpret tests and order medication. But it makes it easier for NPs to get jobs and open clinics. Thus improving access to care. And in a state that ranks 49/50 for access to care this is a big deal. Research shows that nurse practitioners provide safe care for their patients. HB 1013 is up for a vote in the Oklahoma House of Representatives this next week. It would grant full practice authority to nurse practitioners in our state.

Please call your representative to support HB 1013 today.

On my children's baptism

Thirty years ago, on a Wednesday night, I heard a teacher talk about Jesus and how He died for my sins. I went home that night and asked my mother and she told me what it was all about. That night, in my bedroom, she led both my twin sister and I in the prayer of salvation. The next day our pastor, Brother Gibson, came by to talk to us about it. It did not seem unusual to me at the time. Now, as a mother, I wonder what that conversation was like when she called him up. Did she wonder if she had done it right? Was it a matter of fact conversation? Here's what happened, will you come talk to them? I was baptized on a Sunday morning in August. I wore a red and white dress. I knew what I was doing was a big step but I had no idea how big. I had no idea how that moment would affect, shape, direct my entire life.

Last December I decided to do an Advent Box activity I found online. One of the nights we were talking about Jesus and how He came to die for us and how to we have to pray and accept His free gift. My, then 5 year old, son very matter of factly said "I'm going to do that tonight!" My husband and I just looked at him and said "ok". After more discussion that night, he did pray and ask forgiveness of his sins and asked Jesus to be his savior. He's always been a child that made up his mind about things pretty quickly and knows what he wants to do. We decided to give him some time to think about this and make sure he really understood.

Last month my daughter, who was 9, came to me to talk about salvation. I have been praying for this for several months and had talked to her about it on several occasions. She has to think about things for a while before she can make a decision. She needs to know she understands before she commits. That night she decided it was time to confess her belief in Jesus and accept Him as her Savior. When she told her brother the next day he said, "Yeah, I already did that."

Today, they were both baptized by my husband. Here's why this matters so very much. The water in the baptistery has no special powers. It cannot heal. It cannot save. It cannot make anything better. But it was a symbol. A symbol of dying. A symbol of living. A symbol of the washing away of sin..of things we should not have done or that we should have done but did not. A symbol of forgiveness. Knowing Jesus will change the way they live. It will change the way they view and interact with the world around them. They have no idea how this will change them and change their lives. I don't know either. But I know my story and I know how it changed me. Since they were born I have wanted more than anything for them to know my Jesus. I have looked forward to this moment. My daughter told me not to cry but it was difficult because my emotions often spill out through my eyes. I so look forward to watching these two grow in their relationship with Jesus.

Disaster Relief Day 5: Church Camp for Adults

I've decided disaster relief is like camp for adults. The past 4 nights I slept on an air mattress in a church.  I shared a room with ladies from North Carolina and Virgina. My roomie from Virgina was a new college graduate who had all the entusiasm of a young adult ready to conquer the world.  She came in each day smiling and smelling of a combination of mold and a hard days work. Two of the ladies in my room looked to be in their seventies and spent all day doing laundry.  They were up before anyone else and came back to the room after everyone else. Th 5th lady in my room was probably I her 50's and was an Assessor. She spent all day driving from house to house looking at what needs to be done and reporting back to her crew.

A typical day started around 6 Am when we got up and got dressed and ready for the day. We had a morning meeting at 6:45 with brief instructions for the day followed by breakfast. (There was an entire other crew cooking for the volunteers.) Lunch options were spread out on the table and each person was in charge of packing his/her own brown bag lunch including snacks. We headed out around 7:45 AM. The rest of the day was spent working until around 4PM. There were coolers full of water and Gatorade available all the time. We took a break around 9:30 AM and then lunch was around 11:30. 

When we got back to the church it was a race to the shower.  This was one time I glad to be a girl because the female showers did not have as long a line as the male showers. The "shower trailer" was a hoarse trailer divided into 6-9 shower stalls each with their own changing area. 

We had dinner at 6 and devotion at 7. By 9:15 most nights we had the lights out. I got about 2 hours more sleep each night than I do at home.  I guess that's the way this was not like camp. Once the lights were out so were we.

One of the cool things about disaster relief is that they send you a state pin from whatever state you have worked in to put on your hat. So all the old guys that have been doing this for years sit around and talk about all the disasters they have worked and compare pins.  

So if you are nostalgic for church camp days but don't want to spend a week keeping up with teenagers volunteer for disaster relief.  It's a lot of work but a load of fun.

Disaster Relief Day 4: Life Lessons

It's been a month since the flooding hit Baton Rouge. Most homes have had some if not all the work done to them.  They may need to be sprayed to kill mold and prevent growth of mold but for the most part the work has been done. The homes that are left belong to people who cannot physically do the work,  the are dependent on other people.  The home we worked in today was a prime example.  We never met the homeowners but we had contact with their adult children. I'm pretty sure they'd had no idea what the home would look like when we were finished.  Our basic job is to clear the entire house so it is empty. Picture all the knick knacks, paper and furniture in your home. Now picture 20 strangers throwing it all into buckets and wheelbarrows and dumping it in a heap on the sidewalk. This was our job.  

I've always looked younger than I am. Which is a blessing when you reach the late 30's. But I've always felt the need to prove to people that I'm not a little girl. I guess some habits die hard.  With the exception of the 11 year old I was the smallest woman on our team.  And I wasn't bigger than her by much! But everybody on the team gave me a chance. I learned how to take about sheetrock and door frames. One big lesson I learned : if you don't know how to get it apart just hit it harder.  I so appreciated all the words of advice. 

One life lesson I have learned over and over is that if you work hard, don't complain and don't give up people will be more willing to help you out along the way.