Serenity

The past 4 weeks I have been reading "Let.It.Go" by Karen Ehman and participating in Melissa Taylor's online Bible study. This week's reading included a discussion on the things we cannot change and my need to let go of those things and trust God to handle them.

A few years ago the company I was working for at the time accepted a contract with another company that I did not respect. I had disagreed with their moral stance on some issues. I spoke, respectfully, with my supervisor about the things I was willing to do and lines I would not cross. I prayed about it and decided to stay in my job and wait and see. A few months later I was in a meeting where this contract was discussed. One person stated that the amount of paperwork required was not worth the benefit and would it be better to drop the contract. In that moment, God spoke to my heart and said "Be quiet, I've got this." So I pressed my lips together tightly and prayed silently. Without my saying a word others decided to drop the contract. I could have attempted to manipulate and control the situation but in being quiet I gave God a chance to work.

Last week I wrote about micromanaging my children. I see so many adults that have made poor decisions and end up on drugs or in jail. I worry so much about how my children will grow up. Will they have good friends? Will they make good choices? Will they turn to God or run away from Him?

Yesterday, my 6 year old came home telling of a "bad day". Of kindergarten drama that includes the phrase "if you don't do what I want, then I won't be your friend" which devastates my little one's people pleaser heart and of other children making too much noise while she was concentrating or sitting too close to her. I felt very helpless. During our prayer time last night, however, my child voiced her feelings to our Heavenly Father. "Please help me to have a better day and not be so angry tomorrow." And as she whispered those impromtu words a still small voice whispered in my heart "Don't worry about her, I've got this."

I wish I were a sports fan.

I have nothing against sports. I don't dislike sports. I like going to sporting events and cheering on my favorite team (or the team my husband tells me is my favorite team). I like to make sure the family all has team t shirts so we at least look like sports fans. But to be honest about half way through any game I get distracted. I begin to people watch or talk to someone near me...especially if I have a girl friend nearby. But I really admire true sports fans. You know, the ones who know all the players names and stats. The ones with season tickets or they at least attend more than one game a season. When at a sporting event I really want to be a sports fan. I want the game to excite me. I want to be a part of a group like those true fans. But the truth of the matter is that when I'm not at a game I don't think about it. I don't read articles about the players or the stats. I don't argue with my friends over which player is better. I envy those people who have such a passion for a game.

Then I thought how people act at church. We are often good at buying the right clothes and looking like fans. But how often do we get distracted half way through the sermon and start people watching or thinking of what we need to do when we get home. When we leave church do we think about God at all? Is He the focus of our lives? Do we read His Book with passion and devotion? Are we good at  looking like devoted fans but know on the inside that we are faking it? Do we secretly view those truly devoted followers with jealousy? Do we really want to be a part of a group that loves God and is consumed by thoughts of him?

Here's the solution. We must become invested in the game. When my 6 year old plays t-ball I am among the most devoted of sports fan. I make sure my team shirt is clean and I have front row seat to every game. But my devotion is spurred by my investment. We must invest in the process. Invest our time, our hearts and emotions in God. He is worth the effort.

Micromanager of the Mini Me

This week's reading from "Let.It.Go" by Karen Ehman really stepped on my toes...in a good way. She talks about how we manage or micromanage our home and our children. There are some really good questions posed here. Do I guide and discipline my children so they may grow into Godly adults or is so that I will look like the mother of the year who has it all together? The first will be productive and should result in mature well adjusted children. The second may well result in rebellion.

As a youth minister's wife raising youth minister's kids I sometimes feel that we live life in a bubble.  A lot of times I find that I place imaginary expectations on myself and my family. Do you know what I mean? I imagine that people are watching are us and expecting extraoridinary things from us when in reality they could really care less if my children are wearing black shoes with a brown dress or wearing sandals in the winter. I realized while reading this week that I care way too much about appearances. Growing up I always heard that the only kids worse than the deacon's kids were the pastor's kids. I think some of that is the pressure we as adults put on ourselves to live lives of example. We think sometimes that because we have been Christian's for years and have leadership roles in the church we must put on the air of having it all together. We then pass those expectations down to our children.

If I am the first and best Christ like example my children will see, what do I want that to look like? I want to teach my children that God loves them with an unconditional love. If I nitpick and redo and criticize their every choice, what does this say to them? I don't want my children to grow up thinking they must do things MY way to be accepted and loved. I want them to have the courage to do things their own way. I know they will learn some hard lessons along the way but at the end of the day I want them to know that Mama loves them no matter what. In the same way we face consequences for our choices every day but as Christians God loves us anyway.

So the next time my 2 year old is running around like a wild man in public I will try to remember that he is 2 and check my motivation before I lose my cool. Is it because he is truly out of control or because I worry that other people will think less of ME?

The Perfect Life

Last week I started a new online Bible study (OBS) through the Proverbs 31 ministries. It is over the book "Let. It. Go." by Karen Ehman. In this week's study she says "When we accept our lot in life, welcoming all that God is trying to teach us through it, we lose the drive to overcontrol, to micromanage in an all-out attempt to appear perfect and ensure everything is 'just so'." I've always been a smile and nod and tell everybody that everything is ok kind of gal. In college I was a Christian leader on campus and I started to feel then that as a Christian I was expected to know all the answers, have complete trust in God and not worry about anything. Then along came nursing school. I felt like I was walking a tightrope in the dark...alone. I felt that at any moment I could make a tiny little slip and I'd fail out and it would be all over. I think that is when my desire for control started. Until I read this book I never realized all the ways I exerted control. Many of them subtle and subconscious.  One of the ways we as women control is trying to make things look perfect from the outside. Sometimes I think we put pressure on ourselves that people are watching. If we are Christians aren't we supposed to have it all under control? Isn't trust in God supposed to be second nature? But then things happen. We lose loved ones. The car breaks down and our savings are gone. The kids get sick. Life happens and life is sometimes not perfect. Sometimes life is downright dirty and ugly...far from perfect. So we, I, try to manipulate and control it so it looks perfect. As a child of God my job is not to make it look perfect. Not to manipulate the ugly out of life but to ask God "what are You trying to teach me in this situation?" "How can I give you the glory through this time in my life?" This is not an easy task. Almost 5 years ago I found out quite unexpectedly that I was pregnant. I had a 15 month old daughter and was just finishing my master's in nursing. I was tired. A few weeks later we lost that baby to miscarriage. That loss was followed by another pregnancy just a few months later and again a miscarriage. Two lost babies in 6 months. Talk about out of control and life looking ugly. I began to ask God what He wanted me to learn from this situation because I did not think I could survive a 3rd loss so I was willing to learn whatever He was teaching and I wanted to learn it FAST. I don't know that I learned the lesson completely. He has however stirred my desire to help children who have no parents to love them. He has also given me the opportunity to share His love with other hurting women. I have since been blessed with a happy baby boy almost 3 years ago. He is my miracle and I give glory to God for giving him to me. I am sometimes, however, a slow learner. I still try to make things look perfect when they are not. Do you struggle to make life look perfect instead of resting in the life you have and asking God what He wants you to learn?

This life I live is not perfect. But it is the life God has given me and I love it!